she's back!

Sort of. But I'm still feeling too lazy to come up with anything original, so will be posting humour columns I've written in the past, or tidbits that conveniently find their way to my inbox. Still, better than nothing, no? ;)

Today's piece, appropriately enough, addresses the topic of laziness. Specifically, my own.

* note: as it was written years ago, some of the points may be out of date, but I'm feeling a tad too sluggish to point out which ones

LAZY IS AS LAZY DOES

The first time someone told me I was lazy, I dismissed it out of hand. The second time that same person told me I was lazy I started paying attention. After the third time, I was curious enough to consult my trusty dictionary. This is how The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language (what a mouthful!) defines lazy:

1. Resistant to work or exertion; disposed to idleness; slothful.
2. Slow-moving; sluggish.
3. Conducive to languor or indolence.
4. Depicted as reclining or lying on its side. Said of a livestock brand.

Well! I'm no longer sure I can trust my dictionary, although I can't really argue with slow-moving (too many people, unfortunately, have confirmed that one), and I can see how long periods of unemployment could make some people label me resistant. I take exception though to slothful, and that reference to livestock, why, that's just plain unkind. So, rather than taking my dictionary at its word, I am going to make use of my underused sociology degree and look at the question of whether I am lazy in a scholarly, scientific, objective, and unbiased way. Okay, I might be willing to admit to a slight partial bias, but only slightly. The following are impartial arguments for and against the notion that I, Christa, am a lazy person:

FOR - some members of her own family consider her to be lazy
AGAINST - other family members recognize her deliberate attempts to slow down in order to achieve greater balance

FOR - even some of her friends think she's lazy
AGAINST - other friends just see her as deliberate and slow (or deliberately slow?)

FOR - she doesn't want to work full-time
AGAINST - she's hoping to be financially compensated one day by writing about not wanting to work full-time

FOR - she thinks dogs are too much work
AGAINST - she faithfully cleans her cat's litterbox weekly, and scoops daily

FOR - she likes having meals made for her
AGAINST - she makes macaroni and cheese from scratch, not Kraft!

FOR - she used to make her oatmeal in the microwave
AGAINST - since the death of her microwave, she's become a stove top kind of gal

FOR - she has a book called The Joy of Not Working
AGAINST - she has a whole shelf of books on looking for work, including Finding Your Perfect Work

FOR - she bought (at full price) The Lazy Person’s Guide to Success (the most damning piece of evidence yet!)
AGAINST - she also bought (on sale, I might add) To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love

FOR - she's not always employed
AGAINST - but when she is, her employers just love her (except for the few times she's quit of course...)

FOR - she charged her neighbour $20 for snow shovelling one winter
AGAINST - she was kind enough to do it as she didn't want to do it in the first place

FOR - she bought one of those fancy ergonomic shovels
AGAINST - she was spotted shovelling snow as early as 6:30 am (in fact, she never gets up later than 7:30 am)

FOR - she won't walk the 20 minutes to get to the public stairs
AGAINST - she does up to 700 steps on her own set of stairs

FOR - she gets defensive when she hears the word 'lazy'
AGAINST - she prefers terms like: 'laid-back', 'heedfully unambitious', or even, 'contemplatively idle'

FOR - she doesn't like housework in general
AGAINST - she does the dishes (by hand!) three times a day (usually)

FOR - she doesn't like dusting in particular
AGAINST - but she vacuums once a week, and thoughtfully supports the Swiffer company whenever she can

FOR - she doesn't like the question "What do you do?"
AGAINST - she's been known to answer, rather philosophically, "I don't, I be."

FOR - she spends a lot of time on her computer
AGAINST - she sends e-mails to family and friends regaling them with funny stories in an effort to make them smile out loud

So, am I lazy? Well, I guess the jury's out, because I can't decide whether I can't decide, or whether I'm just too lazy to figure it out. So, to paraphrase a favourite heroine of mine: "Maybe I'll decide tomorrow, for tomorrow's another day."