a glitch

The good news is that I'm able to RECEIVE incoming email messages. The bad news is that I'm not able to send any out. Well, I can send them, but they don't get delivered. Snort. I'm sure it'll get sorted, but in the meantime I'm hoping that those of you who do get email from me read this before wondering why you haven't heard from me yet. :)

p.s. email is fixed!

crashing and falling

Not sure whether my computer is suffering from old age, split personality, or demonic possession, but whatever the specific ailment, it's in dire need of a complete overhaul. It's been making me nervous lately by freezing up without any provocation on my part (honest!), occasionally refusing to load Windows even when I ask nicely, or telling me that my settings aren't correct when they were perfectly fine the last time we played together. Yesterday however was the last straw. Turning the computer on it had the audacity to greet me by just giving me numbers to look at instead of the nice pictures I've so carefully loaded. I wasn't sure whether to cry or throw up (or both!) and in desperation I called my trusty technician (read: brother) and wailed that my computer was now officially scaring me. So, I get a new (read: cobbled together from various parts collecting in his basement) PC tomorrow night. Yay! But that also means that some time will be spent installing this hopefully-not-too-much-like-Frankenstein contraption, and that I'll have to learn how to manoeuvre my way around. For example, goodbye Windows 98 and hello Windows XP. Hmmm.

Back soon I hope! Wish me luck. :)

p.s. Maxine may have high-speed, but I still have DSL...

so true

sundays

Ah Sunday. Is Sunday not the most bittersweet day of the week? A sense of finality, a vague longing that it not end just quite yet, regret perhaps when looking back, a squaring away, and yet a sense that a new beginning is just around the corner. Because it is!

And that brings us back to....

saturdays

Saturday could be described as the most adventuresome yet relaxed day of the week. Oh the options! The first official full day of the weekend, lots of fun things to fill it with, and once again time suspends itself a little. Even chores don't always seem so bad on this day. :)

fridays

Friday is definitely the most playful day of the week. Yay, this part of the week is finished, let's go celebrate! Or commiserate if need be. No, Friday is the day you can let your hair down and chill out a bit, because whatever you haven't done yet can always wait.

thursdays

Thursday is probably the most reflective and anticipatory day of the week. The end is undeniably nearing closer, the results are coming in, and you may or may not have done what you had in mind. There isn't that much time left to change course and steer the boat around, but it's always possible. And, the weekend is coming up!

wednesdays

Wednesday is like the middle child of the week. Sometimes taken for granted and not given as much attention, it nevertheless plays an important role. Get to Wednesday and you're pretty much set. And with Monday and Tuesday successfully behind you, you now have a good sense of where you're headed next.

tuesdays

Tuesday, I think, is often the least stressful day of the week. Still brimming with the youthfulness and vitality of a week barely begun, you've settled in a bit, tested out the gears, made the necessary adjustments, and are raring to go. There's lots of time left to do what needs to be done. No looking back yet!

mondays

Monday is the most hopeful day of the week. Like early mornings when time still stretches out before you, the slate is wiped clean and you're off to a fresh start. And no matter what took place last week, anything can happen THIS week. Hey, you might find the love of your life, or work that really fulfills you. Yes, Monday is the most optimistic day of the week. Get ready, set, go!

an analysis of days

Starting tomorrow!

instructions

The following is looted (once again) from my inbox:

Simple Instructions for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day. *
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

* My friend said that for me this one should be reversed: Spend some time with people every day! Snort.

maybe Martha made it?

martha versus maxine

Another email find:

Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway.

Martha's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way:
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way:
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way:
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way:
Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha's Way:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's Way:
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way:
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha's Way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way:
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO!!!!!!!

****************************

And what if you're a little bit of both? Would that make you a Maxi-Mart? Or if you're a bit more like Martha, but not nearly as obnoxious, a Mini-Mart? Ha ha! Okay, I'm shutting up already before you think I've drunk ALL that leftover wine. Snort.

not sure I'd wear this button myself, but ...

... I find it pretty amusing!

p.s. I should probably provide a bit of context here and tell you that the above was part of a "mood buttons you can't wear to work" series that a friend emailed me

the trouble with me

"The trouble with me is I have no imagination." —JAMES JOYCE

I think I know what he means. While I've always wanted to write, I've never wanted to write fiction, and unlike James Joyce, probably couldn't even if I tried. Invent characters and plot? Um, I wouldn't even know where to begin. In a nutshell, I just don't have that kind of imagination.

Creative non-fiction (personal essay, humour, etc.) is where I feel more at home. Although sometimes embellished a little for comedic effect, everything I write is based in truth, in part because real life is often funnier than anything made up. All the silly scenarios you have read about so far have really happened, snort, and at the possible risk of making myself look even more foolish, I relay them to you because almost nothing gives me greater pleasure than making a reader laugh. Obviously I have a serious side as well, but being told my words are funny is the biggest compliment I can aim for, so, keep 'em coming. ;)

what NOT to do

Remember that helpful tip Krissa had about putting the shampoo in the fridge to stop it from melting in the summer heat? Well, I MEANT to do that right away, but of course got sidetracked and never did. So, before taking my bath today I cleverly decided to put it in the freezer instead to speed up the process. I knew it wouldn't be in there long, and was quite pleased with myself for coming up with this perfectly reasonable solution.

[Okay, you can stop snickering now, because even though I know you KNOW what happened next, I'm going to pretend you don't and tell you anyway.]

Well! Guess what? I got sidetracked once again, and ended up not taking that bath for several hours. I also promptly forgot about the shampoo. Yep, instead of melted goo, I ended up with a bottle of frozen gunk. Can you picture the look on my face when I realized what I'd done?

[Oh all right, laugh at me now if you want. Heck, let it all out. Snort.]

But think about it. Isn't this just typical? Too hot, or too cold. Where's that happy medium?! ;)

because I'm easily amused

A friend sent me the following email:

British Signs

Spotted in a toilet at a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

how hot was it yesterday?

It was SO hot that:

a) KJ laid on the linoleum all day
b) the shampoo melted
c) I had to go outside to cool off
d) Hamilton broke its temperature record
e) I didn't wear a bra despite the negative gravitational effect

Okay, you have 30 seconds to come up with the right answer. Go!

Give up? Ha ha, it's all of the above! :))

snort

she's back!

Sort of. But I'm still feeling too lazy to come up with anything original, so will be posting humour columns I've written in the past, or tidbits that conveniently find their way to my inbox. Still, better than nothing, no? ;)

Today's piece, appropriately enough, addresses the topic of laziness. Specifically, my own.

* note: as it was written years ago, some of the points may be out of date, but I'm feeling a tad too sluggish to point out which ones

LAZY IS AS LAZY DOES

The first time someone told me I was lazy, I dismissed it out of hand. The second time that same person told me I was lazy I started paying attention. After the third time, I was curious enough to consult my trusty dictionary. This is how The Houghton Mifflin Canadian Dictionary of the English Language (what a mouthful!) defines lazy:

1. Resistant to work or exertion; disposed to idleness; slothful.
2. Slow-moving; sluggish.
3. Conducive to languor or indolence.
4. Depicted as reclining or lying on its side. Said of a livestock brand.

Well! I'm no longer sure I can trust my dictionary, although I can't really argue with slow-moving (too many people, unfortunately, have confirmed that one), and I can see how long periods of unemployment could make some people label me resistant. I take exception though to slothful, and that reference to livestock, why, that's just plain unkind. So, rather than taking my dictionary at its word, I am going to make use of my underused sociology degree and look at the question of whether I am lazy in a scholarly, scientific, objective, and unbiased way. Okay, I might be willing to admit to a slight partial bias, but only slightly. The following are impartial arguments for and against the notion that I, Christa, am a lazy person:

FOR - some members of her own family consider her to be lazy
AGAINST - other family members recognize her deliberate attempts to slow down in order to achieve greater balance

FOR - even some of her friends think she's lazy
AGAINST - other friends just see her as deliberate and slow (or deliberately slow?)

FOR - she doesn't want to work full-time
AGAINST - she's hoping to be financially compensated one day by writing about not wanting to work full-time

FOR - she thinks dogs are too much work
AGAINST - she faithfully cleans her cat's litterbox weekly, and scoops daily

FOR - she likes having meals made for her
AGAINST - she makes macaroni and cheese from scratch, not Kraft!

FOR - she used to make her oatmeal in the microwave
AGAINST - since the death of her microwave, she's become a stove top kind of gal

FOR - she has a book called The Joy of Not Working
AGAINST - she has a whole shelf of books on looking for work, including Finding Your Perfect Work

FOR - she bought (at full price) The Lazy Person’s Guide to Success (the most damning piece of evidence yet!)
AGAINST - she also bought (on sale, I might add) To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love

FOR - she's not always employed
AGAINST - but when she is, her employers just love her (except for the few times she's quit of course...)

FOR - she charged her neighbour $20 for snow shovelling one winter
AGAINST - she was kind enough to do it as she didn't want to do it in the first place

FOR - she bought one of those fancy ergonomic shovels
AGAINST - she was spotted shovelling snow as early as 6:30 am (in fact, she never gets up later than 7:30 am)

FOR - she won't walk the 20 minutes to get to the public stairs
AGAINST - she does up to 700 steps on her own set of stairs

FOR - she gets defensive when she hears the word 'lazy'
AGAINST - she prefers terms like: 'laid-back', 'heedfully unambitious', or even, 'contemplatively idle'

FOR - she doesn't like housework in general
AGAINST - she does the dishes (by hand!) three times a day (usually)

FOR - she doesn't like dusting in particular
AGAINST - but she vacuums once a week, and thoughtfully supports the Swiffer company whenever she can

FOR - she doesn't like the question "What do you do?"
AGAINST - she's been known to answer, rather philosophically, "I don't, I be."

FOR - she spends a lot of time on her computer
AGAINST - she sends e-mails to family and friends regaling them with funny stories in an effort to make them smile out loud

So, am I lazy? Well, I guess the jury's out, because I can't decide whether I can't decide, or whether I'm just too lazy to figure it out. So, to paraphrase a favourite heroine of mine: "Maybe I'll decide tomorrow, for tomorrow's another day."